


Cuz I want you

by doromi



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Depends, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, Unrequited Love, but i might write a second chapter to this, idk can't really write it so, or make it multi chapter, renjun likes jisung but jisung oblivious, the angst is not that bad, update: am currently writing a new rensung fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-25
Updated: 2020-02-25
Packaged: 2021-02-27 19:20:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22890889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/doromi/pseuds/doromi
Summary: Jisung’s unattainable. That's it, plain and simple. Everyone is so protective of him, it's insane. And everyone loves Jisung, platonically. Well, except Renjun, of course.Jisung’s the sun and everything in between, and he beams bright for everyone, but whenever Renjun’s nearby, he shines and twinkles, to the point where it's impossible for Renjun to stare at him, and he doesn't get time to monopolize the younger, have him for just one more second, because the universe isn't cooperating with him. And Jisung gets whisked away by Chenle, and Renjun is left wanting and yearning for a sliver of his smile.
Relationships: Huang Ren Jun/Park Jisung
Comments: 11
Kudos: 56





	Cuz I want you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [subak_jumokbap](https://archiveofourown.org/users/subak_jumokbap/gifts).



> Rensung angst, really sorry rensung nation. 
> 
> But enjoy this thing I thought of last week. 
> 
> Title is from Pink Sweat$ "Honesty"
> 
> Edit- It's almost June, and I have another rensung fic that's like 80% completed. This is my favorite work of mine, and my unpublished work is still worst than this, so that says something. 
> 
> P.s. I'm really sorry that it's angst, like really sorry.

Renjun stares at him. Leaning into Jeno, giggles escaping him, happiness in the air. And he fucking hates it.

The feeling in the pit of his stomach that makes him want to sob and throw up simultaneously, he hates it. The way heat bubbles up his throat, words sour on his tongue.

He wishes he didn't go to this stupid “get-together” that Mark organized. It was more of a party than any other get together he's been to, and the place was flooded with people. Some were wasted and the party had only been going on for a little while, just barely.

Jeno persuaded him into coming. Jisung’s puppy eyes sealed the deal.

“ _Hyung,_ ” He pleaded, voice laced with sugar, syrupy, something Jisung only used when it came to his advantage.

_“Will Renjun hyung go to Mark’s get-together with us?”_

He didn't even add a please, and Renjun’s heart sank at the sight of a crestfallen Jisung. It was all a facade. And Renjun fell for it, sadly.

But nothing would beat the small smile that popped up on the younger’s face when he said yes, because Renjun wants to see Jisung like that, always.

Yet he's disgusted seeing him, the exact same, but it's not because of Renjun. He’s not all big grins and sparkling eyes because of Renjun, it was never that type of way. He doesn't look at Renjun, his sparkling eyes don't look at his and mirror them. He sees Renjun as a brother figure and that's all.

  
  


Someone yells into his ear over the deafening music, words slurred, a matter of their drunkness. “Hey, you good?” It's Yukhei’s voice.

“Yeah.” He sighs, staring into the endless abyss of the half-filled cup in his hand. He looks up at him, and Yukhei’s eyes hold concern.

“Why the long face, Jun?” Renjun really doesn't want to speak, and he wishes that Yukhei would disappear, and maybe everyone at the party as well.

“It's nothing.” He mumbles, and he really wishes he wouldn't have to hide the truth. But Huang Renjun liking Jisung Park would be terrible, and Renjun wants to keep their friendship as it should be.

  
  


“If you say so, dude.” And he leaves Renjun alone, in his spot, leaning against the wall, with a view of Jisung and Jeno. There’s no harm in the way Jeno looks at Jisung, it's all platonic. But it fucks with Renjun so much, to the point where he can't stand to take another glance. Though, he does. Again and again.

It's sort of an addiction, if Renjun thinks about it. Watching Jisung, all big grins and sparkling eyes is his drug. But it hurts him, bruises his heart and has him longing for more. But he comes crawling back for him, stares at Jisung like it pains him. Because Jisung isn't his.

Jisung is no one's. And he certainly will never be his.

  
  
  


Jisung treats everyone in their friend group the same, but kisses up to his hyungs, manipulating them into giving him what he wants. And Renjun is no stranger to Jisung’s manipulation. Renjun is a sucker for the younger, and he’d drop whatever he's doing to put a smile on his face.

It's a running joke between their friend group, that Jisung is Renjun’s favorite. It's not false, and that's what Renjun’s ashamed about.

_“Hyung, is it true? What they're saying, that I'm your favorite?” Jisung asked, his hands clasped together, cutely, and Renjun didn't want to stare too long._

_“Yeah, Jisung-ah, it is.”_

_“Ah, you're my favorite hyung actually.”_

_“Thank you Jisungie.”_

  
  


_Renjun wishes that proclamation did not stick like glue in the back of his head._

  
  
  


He’s spaced for too long because Jisung’s looking in his direction. And Renjun wants to lock himself away in the bathroom, and if Jisung comes to find him, (he won't for sure) there will be a barrier between them, cutting Jisung off from hearing how Renjun’s heart beats erratically. He pushes himself off the wall, and he squeezes through the crowd because he needs to get away. Running away won't fix anything, he admits that. But he can't, be there in the same vicinity as Jisung.

Luckily the bathroom is empty, and he is a fucking mess. He's two seconds from pulling out his hair, and he needs to get rid of these unnecessary feelings. They're unwanted. Huang Renjun has enough problems, and having a crush on Jisung Park, should be the least of them. But he can't get over the fact that Jisung doesn't reciprocate the interest taken in him, and he's being totally immature right now. Having a one-sided crush isn't something to cry about.

_Stupid Jisung Park. Why did I have to fall for you? You're so oblivious, but you're cute even when being so._

He pulls out his phone, a trick to distract him from the outside world. He scrolls through twitter, and he sees a tweet about this little mouse. The short clip included is _supposed_ to be hilarious, but he starts thinking about Jisung and his cute nose scrunches, and he's back at square one. The key to getting rid of a crush is not to think about them constantly, it's quite literally the opposite. And Renjun already has failed at that.

  
  


It hasn't always been like this, and Renjun wishes that he didn’t scrutinize every single thing that Jisung did. Wish his eyes didn't zero on him, at the worst moments, where Jisung can and _does_ catch him staring, but he doesn't say a word because to Jisung, it doesn't mean much. And it makes Renjun’s heart ache, the fact that he looks on and on, and Jisung looks occasionally, which is rarely.

Jisung’s unattainable. That's it, plain and simple. Everyone is so protective of him, it's insane. And everyone loves Jisung, platonically. Well, except for Renjun, of course. Jisung’s the sun and everything in between, and he beams bright for everyone, but whenever Renjun’s nearby, he shines and twinkles, to the point where it's impossible for Renjun to stare at him, and he doesn't get time to monopolize the younger, have him for just one more second, because the universe isn't cooperating with him. And Jisung gets whisked away by Chenle, and Renjun is left wanting and yearning for a sliver of his smile.

It's like the universe doesn't want them near each other, in fear of Jisung developing a crush on his hyung, and Renjun knows if any of their friends found out, he would get it because Jisung doesn't deserve a broken heart. Though that's impossible, the likelihood of that actually happening. Renjun has kept this a secret, all of this, the glances, the long sighs when he's not with Jisung, the pain that comes with liking him. He learns to smile it off, not to linger too much on Jisung’s mouth when it quirks up just the slightest, learns to do less doting on Jisung, but he still doesn't know to deny the younger. He's imcompetent when it come to Jisung’s askings of him, doesn't know how to look him dead in the eye, in those perpetual puppy eyes of his, and say no. It's amazing that the others haven't found out, because at this point, he figured someone might have an inkling about the dynamics of Renjun’s friendship with Jisung.

  
  


Jisung doesn't know that he has a whole boy wrapped around his finger, and Renjun hopes that he never puts two and two together, because it's pathetic. Renjun’s pathetic, mouth running to form the words before his brain can catch up with him and come up with other alternatives, to make everything better for the other boy.

He’s sitting on the toilet, staring blankly at his phone screen, at Mark's party, locked in the bathroom because he wants to escape him. The one and only Jisung Park, who probably doesn't know nor care about his whereabouts, who’s probably laughing it off with Jeno in the living room. Renjun needs to get a grip and stop acting like a 5 year old, because let's face it, Jisung won't ever know of this ever occurring, because he’s so dense, and Renjun’s the idiot who fell for him.

He decides that tonight will not, for once, focus on Jisung, but on himself. He’s going to have fun and not think about his friend he’s hopelessly been pining after, because tonight he is not having his heart broken.

He exits the bathroom, and it's a whole different world when he steps out. There’s people, moving bodies against each other, talking, drinking, kissing, and now it feels like a teenage party scene straight out of a movie. The coast is clear, and he heads out to the living room, where he hopes for Donghyuck to be residing in, but he bumps into someone.

“Hyung.” The voice says, and it sounds like-

“Jisung?”

“Hyung, I've been looking all around for you.” Jisung says, rushed and concerned, wasn't what Renjun was expecting.

“You have? I mean- I've been in the bathroom, there's too many people here, you know?”

“Yeah, it's crowded here. Would you care to play a game of truth or dare upstairs, _hyung?_ ” Jisung questions, switches the tone of his voice to something else, that damn method he uses to get what he wants. The _hyung_ melts him inside, and he feels vulnerable, because Jisung’s caught him after almost losing it in the bathroom, and he can't say no.

He nods a silent yes, and Jisung’s hand pulls his as he drags him upstairs to the room where the game is being played in. Renjun’s heartbeat quickens as he feels Jisung’s hand engulf his, and _this was not what he was planning._

They're sitting all in a perfect circle, and from Renjun’s seat, he's at the angle where he practically see Jisung’s smile stretch a little wider, his eyes crinkling just a bit more, and _no- His eyes are not going to glance anywhere near the boy._

“Truth or dare, Renjun.” Jeno says, and Renjun snaps himself out of staring a little more than platonic at Jisung, once he hears his name being called.

“Truth.” He replies.

“Is it true that you have taken interest in someone these days?” Renjun gulps the fear down his throat, and his brain isn't functioning properly.

“It's not true, but it could be.” Jisung’s looking at him, curiously, and Renjun makes eye contact for a split second before gaining a surge of strength to look somewhere else. Somewhere else that isn't Jisung’s face, because Renjun’s eyes will stay on him, and Jisung will throw that shy, sweet smile of his towards Renjun when he sees so and Renjun will definitely reduce into a puddle of lovesick goo.

  
  


“Whatever you say, Jun.” Finishing it off with a squint of eyes, Jeno tells Hyunjin to pick someone else.

  
  


“Uh, Jisung, truth or dare.”

Renjun would rather have Jisung choose dare because he knows that the question in response to Jisung saying truth will most likely be “ Do you like someone, and if so, who?”

“Dare.”

Renjun would rather have an easy dare, and not some awkward one like kiss the cutest person in the room, because tension would totally start to spread through the atmosphere if that were the case.

“I dare you to… kiss the cutest person in the room.” Hyunjin declares, and _crap crap crap_ , who will Jisung kiss and who will be unofficially clarified to Renjun as the person Jisung deems cute?

Jisung’s eyes are deers in headlights, as he scans the room, cheeks flushed and alarmed. He blushes profusely, as he raises his head to meet Hyunjin and in a moment of silence, send him a panicked look, as if to signal to him for help. Jisung’s thinking, Renjun sees that, and actually, everyone else does too. Renjun forgot that everybody is still there, gawking at Jisung for an answer, and he feels selfish, and he cringes at the thought of trying to keep Jisung to himself.

He shuffles from his cross-legged position to his knees, and scoots over to Renjun’s side of the circle. Maybe he’ll pick Jaemin, or Jeno, because they're friends and he feels comfortable with either two of them. What Renjun didn't expect was, for Jisung to stop right in front of him.

Up close, the tint of scarlet of the high of his cheeks is much more prominent, and his shy eyes, nervous and shifting from the ceiling to the wall, are not exactly meeting Renjun’s all the way. Blood pumps through his eardrums as Jisung gains the courage to look at him.

_“I'm sorry for this, hyung.”_ Jisung whispers against his cheek, before briefly pecking Renjun on the lips. It's fleeting, and Jisung pulls back after a second or two.

Renjun is in shock. This is unbelievable, because Jisung just kissed him.

It wasn't the way he wished it had been. The scenario he wanted it to be was one where Jisung reciprocated his feelings, and because Jisung wanted to kiss him, and for a reason which wasn't because they're were friends. Jisung only kissed him because he felt comfortable enough to kiss Renjun, because it's his hyung, and he won't find it weird, right?

Renjun should feel flattered that the younger even considered Renjun as an option, but he doesn’t. Because Jisung did what Renjun thought he would never ever do, and it was- felt wrong. Renjun shouldn't have fallen for Jisung Park, because Jisung doesn't feel the same.

Because Jisung will not ever hold a single ounce of interest in his body. And as Jisung settles back in his position across, Renjun’s heart blazes with this kind of hurt, and his gaze is unfocused.

Jisung stole a kiss from him, the moment was _supposed_ to be cherished, everything Renjun has ever wanted, and Jisung Park is everything he's ever wanted. But he doesn't want him like this, in a room full of friends, no privacy at all, and the slightest burn of Jisung’s mouth on his. But it's too late, because they're moving onto the next person, and he's still hung up on that small touch of lips that lasted only a second.

  
  


Renjun has never wanted it this way. But Jisung is undeniably unattainable, and Renjun, with much pain, knows this. And yet he lets Jisung play with his heart, and lets his words stick like gum, all sweet and coated with the most saccharine of sugars, lets Jisung call him _hyung_ knowing well that it pulls at his heartstrings. Lets him kiss him on the mouth, and lets it affect him, because Renjun can't do anything other than sit there with a scrambled mind.

  
  


Renjun looks again at Jisung, and realizes that Jisung is doing just fine, unlike him. And he shamefully realizes that Jisung Park will only think of him as Renjun hyung, no more, no less. 

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading.
> 
> Twt: chenlelote


End file.
